I am frustrated and upset that you don't seem to trust, or give me the same amount of respect that I give to you. You are my mother but I treat you like my best friend, how many daughters tell their mothers the parts of their lives which I voluntarily share with you? Who I'm out with, introducing all my friends to you because I'm proud to be your daughter and I want you to like my friends because I like them, where I am, what time I'm coming home, what I'm doing. I do all this and with hardly any complain cuz I'm comfortable enough to tell you all this and I'm okay with it. I know you worry and you need to know such things to feel at ease. AND I'M OKAY WITH IT.
But when you start questioning my decisions again, chasing me to do things that are relevant to MY life and MY future and I DO know how important these things are, I don't need you on my case about it, I just wish that you weren't like that. Seriously. I get that University is important, it decides my fate, I face damn fucking stiff competition, I should be doing all that I can to clinch that oh so desirable spot in Law, I KNOW ALL THAT I REALLY DO. Despite my supposed nonchalance and alleged "COMPLACENCY" I know that I might not be able to get that spot, and you don't think I'm worried about that too? So stop chasing me to get things done, I will. And I will also face the consequences and take responsibility for wherever my actions/words land me.
Academic future aside, today you REALLY crossed a line by telling me "Why do you care so much about your friends when your friendship obviously means nothing to them". WOW WTF MA THOSE WORDS REALLY CUT DEEP. I'm stressed out enough as it is with thoughts about my future and where I'm going to be in a short 5 months time, and what I'm going to do with my life and whether I'm cut out for Law, whether Law wants me, whether I am good enough for it, whether I am determined enough for those grueling 4 years and I can only imagine, even tougher years ahead. My friends are important to me, and I've been content for the earlier part of this year with the people that I've been making an effort to see regularly and who have been doing the same for me. Right now, when I face some trouble and unhappiness on this front and I complain about it at home, that is really, THE LAST THING I NEED TO HEAR. I told you that these people are important to me, and despite all that I say and whine and rant about them, obviously they still mean something or I wouldn't bother. I'm not like you, however similar our appearance and hot-headed personalities, I cannot cut people out of my life because I cannot be bothered or because it's tiresome and expensive to keep up friendships. I AM WILLING TO DO IT, WILL YOU RESPECT THAT? Are you tired of being there for me? When I get ditched and you accompany me instead?
I don't know what I've done, what choices I've previously made, that warrant your worrying and judgement and critique (even as you try to hide it behind humour and a smile. That smile, like you know it all, pisses me off). We went through this at the beginning of last year, and look, I turned out fine even as you stopped me from doing Cheerleading, and nagged me incessantly about studying (in January, no less), and I was the most unmotivated lazy bum EVER. Will you trust me? That everything will be okay? That I know what to do for myself and what I want and the lengths I have to go to get it? Trust me that I have chosen and will choose the people in my life wisely, trust THEM that they won't let me down, and even if they do, be a mother and comfort me and let me get over it on my own terms. And if I choose to be their friends again, just be quiet, and accept them into my life and yours like I chose to.
Also, I am going on 19 and would LOVE the freedom to do something crazy and wild once in a while. I tell you about my plans, I tell you what I wanna do, let me do them please? Let me grow up and be independent and go out. In many aspects, I believe I've been a damn fucking obedient daughter, and I'm aware of the dangers around me, of what might and might not happen, give me the chance to try new things and be in new situations will you?
I'm worried too, do you seriously think I'm not? The reason why I've been putting off my apps and writing my personal statements and everything is because I'm SO FUCKING AFRAID of not being good enough. That I cannot do justice to my personality and how fucking bad I want this because it's all I ever wanted, in 2000 characters alone. That my distinctions aren't enough. That there are 1499 other people fighting with me and why am I so much better than them? Why am I more deserving? WHY? I can't even answer that myself. I just know I want it BUT SO DO THEY. And these other people have straight As too, and stellar portfolios that probably put mine to shame, with experience and more knowledge about Law, who are clearer about what they want than I am, who know all the right words to write and say, who have 10000000 achievements to showcase their "intellectual capability" while I have difficulty finding ONE worthy enough to write about. And my gift of gab cannot translate on to paper, I talk and talk and talk but I can't write it down without sounding like a muted, robotic, stiff, watered down version of myself.
I wouldn't usually post this here cuz it's kinda public but I just, I cannot stand it. And it's been a while since I've been less than chipper and happy now you know I'm not all sunshine and daisies and whatever (if you ever thought of me that way). I wanted to blog about what happened from last week but I don't think I'm in the mood. Maybe I'll cut and paste this post into LJ and then continue my daily life ramblings here BECAUSE YOU ALL LOVE THAT RIGHT???? Haaaa!!!!
To make this post even more depressing, read this article on Dubai because it's long but worth reading and it's haunting and the world is so warped sometimes really. And I've been in denial about Japan, avoiding reading articles, looking at pictures, watching the news because the devastation is fucking tragic and if I don't see it it's not happening. BUT I looked at pictures today and I'm upset. I'm damn bloody upset that this is happening to a beautiful city which I lost the chance to visit because of this disaster. No one deserves the terror that the Japanese are facing, of not knowing what lies ahead except that it's gonna be a damn long road to rebuild their homes lives businesses economy (which wasn't in good shape to begin with). I look at the videos and pictures and it seems so damn unreal to see waves crushing boats like they're nothing more than paper and sticks, engulfing cars like in an apocalyptic movie, roads that are split down the middle and looked as if they've been photoshopped to look warped, pavements that become slopes, fireballs, the growing and growing death toll reaching 18000 and above. I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING I DON'T WANT TO BELIEVE THAT IT IS.
I'm usually not affected, or at least not enough to talk so much about it and it's unlike me. Maybe I just have a lot on my mind that every thing makes me wanna cry. But this, this should not be happening. My problems are trivial compared to what they're facing. I'm going to bed tonight with a heavy heart. I saw the pictures and videos from the links here, go check them out too. Plus the account is scary and I cannot imagine being in that position.
AND FINALLY HERE ENDS A FUCKING MISERABLE POST, GOODNIGHT!
1 comment:
maggie i'm gonna leave a comment because i've too much to say to be typed by sms.
first off, like i said, CHEER UP. you ARE good enough. the apps don't matter that much for law. just make sure it isnt lousy and it reflects your contributions in tj + ur acad capabilities. that is enough to bring you to the written test and then the interview. you should worry about the written test and interview LATER. now, just happily do ur apps and embrace your As! you have no idea how many people want 6As and how many would kill for just 1. so don't be silly and say that you arent good enough etc. i know alot of ppl who get into nus law with only 4As. my sister for instance. and her portfolio wasn't very extraordinary either. but she apparently excelled, and smiled alot, for the interview. and since u can talk talk talk talk talk (haha) you really shouldnt worry abt the interview. even my smu interview was a breeze for me and im not even as eloquent as you are.
uni apps aside, parents can just be a little crazy sometimes. like yesterday my sister brought 1 fucking hamster home and it pissed my parents off. but bcoz she locks herself in the room all the time, and i dont, i get all the scolding and nagging when i didnt even do anything wrong. i tell my parents alot of things too and i have a good relationship with them but when they start going crazy on me, i just IGNORE and prove them wrong later. my parents also thought that i was taking my uni apps srsly but i proved them wrong and got accepted by all 3 schools even though i didnt get straight As. sometimes ignoring is the best thing u can do. arguing will only strain ur relationship with ur mother and make u more pek chek. i know it can be tiresome and you feel that there is SO MUCH injustice but life's like that. in fact, i'm pretty sure you'll feel alot better if u just go sleep now :)
as for friends, u TELL UR MOTHER THAT U HAVE ME AS UR FRIEND HOR, and i DO TREASURE OUR FRIENDSHIP. she is just generalizing...... like i said, IGNORE. i shouldn't be saying this but sometimes when i want to do wild things, i tell my parents, and if they dont agree, i still do them anyway. like tattooing and going overseas alone with ernest. but im glad that u know ur mum cares. so u really have to reason with her, and if she still cant accept then.. too bad? dont do? or be a rebel and get fucked later.
PLEASE TELL ME UR MUM DOESNT KNOW UR BLOG EXISTS OR ELSE I AM GOING TO DELETE MY COMMENT HAHAHAHA.
wrt Japan, you have NO idea. my relatives there are like damn sad. they're finding a way out of Japan for good. Japan isnt gonna be the same Japan we know at least for another 30 years. im saying 30 bcoz its been 30+years, and chernobyl is still uninhabitable.. regardless, the Japanese are still so strong so who are u to be weak? be strong and here's a giant hug OOOOOOOOOOOO for u hehe. <3
so...... CHEER UP OK :) and call me if u want to rant somemore. i will listen even if u call while im sleeping.
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